Committing To Life

Committing, Celebrating and Growing through Life


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The Knowing

“I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes. The greater part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do not sufficiently understand their own aims. They have undertaken to build a tower, and spend no more labour on the foundation that would be necessary to erect a hut.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I took a random journey today of looking at my earliest facebook posts from when I was 19. I just wanted to delve in my younger mind and ascertain whether I have always been the way I am. I couldn’t help but giggle and go ‘wow’ at every post because even at that age, I was as opinionated and sure of what I want as I am now.

What made me giggle and gasp was actually the rage and aggression I had developed because I was always intent on fighting and preserving myself from being tainted by external things. What was I fighting? I’m not really sure but I sure am glad that I was born a fighter because I wouldn’t have made it here otherwise. But, what I can say is from the day I started writing which was around the age of 10 years, I had realized that life was one huge battlefield and that I had to figure out just what it was that I wanted and making it clear to everyone who I interacted with.

My first song, which I wrote at the age of 10/11 was titled “broken dreams”. What did I even know about disappointment and broken dreams? I could perhaps relate it to the fact that I desperately wanted to be a “rock star” but my mother swiftly dismissed that yearning. I’m glad though, because she shielded me from a lot of exploitation and uncertainty because I know now that I would not want to be a guitar-wielding girl with a raspy voice. I’ve built a very different image from that.

I have had many people tell me that I am far too opinionated and just 2 days ago I had breakfast with one of our Director’s and she was shocked that I had found my purpose. Looking back though, I acquainted myself to my ‘reason for breathing’ at a very young age. I just needed to grow and learn more about life to hone it, which I am still doing.

It reminded me of the words of Johann Wolfgang van Goethe that have been comfortably saved in my phone memo for a while. I am nowhere near where I ought to be and I am not even close to the woman my late grandfather always said I would become but at least I know what the end goal is.

A lot of people trudge along life trying to live up to other people’s expectations and wishes because they just aren’t very sure. I would rather say ‘not sure’ than ‘don’t know’ because each of us is born with a true knowing of just what we are and what we want to become – its only more obvious in our younger years.

Knowing ourselves shouldn’t be a complex journey of embarking to sacred mountains with Shamans to tap into “Self”. Self is not so far, Self is in the very breath you inhale/exhale, comfortably embedded in every heart beat. Finding who you are simply requires blocking out all external opinions and studying just what makes you tick (happy) and tock (upset).

In my life journey I have made mistakes and gotten involved in things that were not really part of my tick but the tock they sparked redirected me towards my passion: The Engineering Degree I dropped, The relationships I fled, The thoughts I dismissed etc. All very necessary ‘tocks’

A lot of our mistakes and frustrations stem from building a foundation that is too weak/wide/thick for the structure we actually desire.

My passion (part of it) is learning just what makes people tick and the materials that their dreams are made of. I have no doubt that I’m still young and still have much more to learn but the end game in my mind will never alter.

You need to know yourself well before you attempt to build knowledge about the world and even attempt to fix it.

The amazing thing about life is it accommodates our mistakes and the universe is always eager to redirect us. Just be open to learning and growth. Its never too late! 🙂

As we begin a new week tomorrow, be aware of the emotions and thoughts that your surroundings trigger. Make your breaths valuable by channeling them towards your passion. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one.

Quote: “We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.” – Stacia Tauscher

Stay Committed.
🙂


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Words and Scars

A thought hit me the other day. I think it was a week ago. I thought about all the christians I had interacted with in my life and the non-christians I’d interacted with who flinched when I mentioned ‘church’. Their reasons were constant throughout, regardless of age, sex, race, they all gave me the same response: “I don’t like christians and I don’t like church because I don’t want to be judged.”

In the beginning I dismissed it as utter ignorance because I thought heck! The rules are there, just adhere to them. I had never been judged by a christian because I was too young. There is only so much that life revealed to me before I was, let’s say, at the age of 22. Which was only a year ago.

The purpose of this post is not to dissect the realities of church and human beings. That is a massive debate that I will not even stir up today. The purpose of my post relates to the thought that then hit me a week ago.

I thought to myself: the bible is truly poetic. Especially in the way it has depicted the ‘Enemy’. It is either too poetic or we as people are not interpreting it correctly. The “Enemy” ie. The Devil, is depicted as a monstrous and scary spirit (of which he is) but he is also small, non-intimidating and strategic in his moves. He is so slick in ways that we don’t even realize that he is as easy to breathe in and let out as oxygen.

As people we focus so much on depicting what is heinous and disgusting in another person that we forget that the mere act of judging is the enemy’s work.

If you have something bad to say about everyone and anyone then you need to press pause and do a routine check on your thoughts. If you don’t know someone’s story from birth to the present then don’t even utter an opinionated word. Words are powerful & most of the time we don’t even hold the rights to utter them in enormous weights. Speak words that build or don’t speak at all.

I have suffered from all sorts of insecurities in my younger years. From weight issues (even though I have never even been overweight in retrospect) to merely feeling like my nose was too big. My journey of moving from a young girl raised in a single-parent home with various struggles, to being a working young lady and student at 16 taught me a lot of resilience and the self-sufficiency it taught me showed me just how much strength and tenacity I had. It taught me to never bring people down because I know what being stuck in the grips of depression feels like.

But as I grew older, especially in the previous year I found myself being hurled at with the most atrocious words. From being mocked because I was raised by a single mom (so apparently that means I have male issues) to being told I am self-absorbed.

There were many times I wanted to take my own life but the thought of what it would do to my mother shattered me. The thought of how she took care of us even in the darkest hours before the dawn that never even came. I was extremely humbled by her love and strength. I still am – it brings me to tears. A lot of the decisions I have made have been centered on pleasing my mother. Not in the moment, but definitely in the future that I am building. But my tenacity and focus is simply translated as “overly ambitious” and “self-absorbed” to people that do not know my story.

The worst thing you could do as a man would be to compare a woman to another woman when each person ultimately bears different burdens and their own insecurities and fears. It is unmanly and it is disgusting.

I would rather bite my tongue and have my silence mistaken for sulking than utter words that break another human being. The devil does not reside in the knife, or the gun, or the killer’s heart, or the rapist, or the criminal, or the gay/lesbian, or the fornicator, or the drunkard. The devil resides comfortably in our thoughts and our tongues.

The process of healing from words is a hard and necessary process. Before you say something think about what scars it will leave on another person’s soul. And, before you accept someone’s judgment as “your truth”, go back to your purpose and journey and re-commit to your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK AND BEYOND: Do a routine check on your thoughts and understand before you speak. Love yourself enough to care about the world your life is immersed in.

QUOTE: “Be kind to yourself and others. Come from love every moment you can.” – Chopra Foundation

Stay Committed.
🙂